I deleted Instagram from my phone... and I've never felt so good

I underestimated the impact of Instagram on my mental health and my productivity. It feels wrong to go back. And I never thought deleting an app would make me question so many things in my life.

Photo by Souvik Banerjee on Unsplash

It was a Thursday morning when I received that hateful message on Instagram. It was a lot to handle. First, I was shocked. Then, I got nervous, and it didn't take a long time for tears to come from my eyes. I was sobbing. As someone who has been on the internet for over a decade, I've developed a thick skin to protect myself from trollers and haters. But, depending on the day and your mood, it can hurt you. Luckily, my sister was visiting me during that week, and seeing me helpless, she gave me a big hug, and while I was crying on her shoulder, she made a suggestion.

"Laura, I don't think you are in a good place now. Perhaps you should consider quitting Instagram for a while". 

I agreed. Some hours later, I finally deleted the app from my phone. And I know that sounds like a drastic measure, but let's return on time to give you some context.

I've been working as a content creator and influencer for over 10 years. I first started writing on my blog, which was the platform that has mostly brought me joy over the years - and that explains why I'm so excited about Substack and the possibilities of this platform. But we all know that social media took off over the last decade, with the rise of not only Instagram but also TikTok, Snapchat, and some other platforms that have been around for a while and just transformed, like Facebook and X (former Twitter). 

As a journalist with a passion for communication, new social media channels always got me excited about their endless possibilities. But part of me was also sad to see blogs losing space. At some point, I understood that things had changed and social media was not just a trend. So, of course, I went all in. And let me tell you: the Instagram game is not a joke.

I talked a bit about my struggles as a content creator in my first post on Substack, which I link here. But to summarize, after more than 10 years of creating content about NYC, I got tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed by the way things work on social media, especially on Instagram, with the TikTok effect and the constant chasing of the viral effect. I always thought to myself: it has to be another way. I still feel like that. 

It's hard to fight against the impostor syndrome; feeling your worth is defined by likes and comments. It's draining, at least for me, to put a lot of effort into creating content and seeing it flopping. It's cruel to see your fellow content creator friends growing and getting paid deals while you are struggling - although I'm confident most of them probably feel the same way. Sometimes, I think the ship has sailed for me, and I just have to accept that If I'm not willing to play the game by some of the rules, I won't make it. But realizing that is not easy. Unfortunately, doing a good job is not equal to success.  

Besides all these feelings related to the content and the algorithm (I just hate this word), there's another fact involved in my disgust towards Instagram: the way I was acting as an addict. Not kidding: Instagram was the first app I checked in the morning when I opened my eyes and the last I checked before bed. I know that's insane, but I also know I'm not alone. I had a hard time keeping myself focused. And I would use any free time to scroll. 

Waiting for the subway? Let's scroll.

Coming back from the gym? Let's scroll.

Waiting for a friend? Let's scroll.

A break while watching TV? Let's scroll. 

Last year, I tried an attempt to avoid Instagram in the morning - and I failed miserably. Back in January, I also took some time off my work to figure out things - but I didn't delete Instagram. I was not posting, but I was definitely scrolling. I kept telling myself I had to get better - I was spending a lot of time on my phone, and I was always feeling miserable and like I was failing. But it was so hard. I had FOMO. I had to check the likes. The messages. Stalking strangers. Reading the comment section on gossip pages, reading people having arguments about silly things. And comparing myself. FOR WHAT? 

I had this image of the person I wanted to be: a productive entrepreneur and avid reader who would also dedicate some time to learning another language and listening to interesting podcasts. I always told myself I needed to be more organized to check off the daily tasks from my list and do the things that give me pleasure. But the days would pass, then the weeks, and finally the months. I would realize I was not doing anything I had planned and was constantly feeling anxious and tired. I would go to bed feeling like a failure. 

To add another layer, two weeks ago, Southern Brazil got hit by the worst floods in more than 80 years. Many cities and towns in Rio Grande do Sul, the state next to Santa Catarina, which is the state where I'm from, are facing a horrendous tragedy. That took over Instagram. The pics and videos were heartbroken. I shared a post about it two weeks ago. Besides the donations and my attempts to bring attention to the topic, I felt impotent, deeply sad, and anxious. It was hard to see the news every time I opened my Instagram. And I'm not being insensitive here. On an individual level, it's hopeless. My only joy was seeing the whole Brazilian population - in Brazil and abroad - coming together to help our people. 

Then, when I got that message attacking me that Thursday morning, it was the last straw. I couldn't take it anymore. I was drained. So, I did the unthinkable - I deleted the app from my phone. 

“I had FOMO. I had to check the likes. The messages. Stalking strangers. Reading the comment section on gossip pages, reading people having silly arguments about crazy things. FOR WHAT?”

And when I say unthinkable, I mean it. Before doing it, I had never considered the possibility. I would have FOMO just to think about it. It was like my world would be boring without Instagram. And for the first days, it was kinda scary to realize my finger would go straight in the direction where Instagram was previously located on the screen. It was just automatic. After some other days, I wouldn't look for Instagram anymore. My screen time dropped 50%. And when I checked the time I've spent on the app, I realized how fool I was for telling myself I didn't have time to read or studying. I did check my inbox - mostly on my computer, twice a day - and probably didn't spend more than 5 minutes every time. It felt wrong. Almost like I was cheating - although I didn't create any rules for this "detox". It's probably because I realized how my behavior with Instagram was not healthy at all, and it gives me chills to think about returning to those patterns. Because, let me tell you: I've never felt so good, mentally speaking. 

Yesterday, I realized that the person who sent me that message and made me cry actually did me a huge favor. I don't know how long it would take me to pull the trigger and press pause, how long I would keep living in that loop, and what the consequences would be… 

You may be thinking: ok, but Instagram is part of your work, no? Yes, it is. And I'm aware of my privileges: my husband has a good income - which also makes me feel frustrated most of the time, cause I really value my financial independence - and he is very supportive. He was actually happy when I told him I had deleted Instagram. He had warned me about how my behavior was dangerous. He suggested to a book about it*. I appreciated his help and support - but people only change when they want. Sad, but true.

Right now, while I write this post, I still haven't gotten back to Instagram. I will go back at some point. But I need a plan. I want to create content, but I don't want to spend the same amount of time I was spending before. And I'm aware that kind of attitude is not gonna make me any favor on that platform. At the same time, I've been questioning my work and my next steps. I've been doing that for the past year, and I'm asking myself questions I've never asked. What's at stake here? What am I willing to sacrifice? What are my options?

I never thought deleting an app would make me question so many things in my life. Especially knowing communication is my passion. But I'm feeling proud of the things I've been reflecting on and how I'm evolving as an human being - despite the fact that it is, indeed, painful and scary.

I hope I find the answers. At least, I'm trying.

I'm not here to give anyone a lecture about it, but if you see yourself in some of these paragraphs, I highly suggest you to take a break - if you have that possibility.

*"Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World” is the book my husband has recommended. He read this post before I published it and sent me a message: “I had a credit on Audible and I got it for you.” I'm listening to it now.