To my friends who left—and the ones who will

Living abroad means making soul-level connections and watching them scatter across the globe. It never gets easier. Maybe it’s not supposed to.

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“I'm gonna say yes.”

I gasped when the message from one of my best friends appeared on my phone's screen. She was referring to her decision regarding a job offer she had recently received. I knew it was a great offer and a promising position. I was happy for her. But that wasn't why I gasped. There were more layers to that, and that was because the job was in another city. In another country. In another continent - in Europe. I gasped because her positive answer would mean saying goodbye to her - a weirdly painful situation that, despite going through it countless times over more than 11 years living abroad, had never, ever become easier or better. It was a strange and sad, familiar feeling of, in some way, "losing" someone.

And I'm not saying people who never left their homes don't feel the same pain when they have to say goodbye to a friend because of whatever the circumstance. But you know that saying about friends being the family you can choose? That's especially true when you live far away from the place that feels home.

But wait, don't get me wrong. As I stated, I was truly happy for my friend. I knew how she had been struggling to find a better job in New York City, how she was stressed, and how she was frustrated with her current job. Some days before learning about her decision, when she dropped the bomb on me and another friend over dinner, I told her she should definitely do it. "Whatever is best for you!". At the end of the day, how could life in Europe with a guaranteed job and benefits be bad? She loves to travel, she is single, and I knew how much she would enjoy the fact that she would be 1, 2, or 3 hours away from incredible countries and places. I also knew she would kill it on the job. And since she was not entirely convinced about what to do when we first discussed it, I encouraged her to go. It would be an opportunity to put that experience on her resume. "And then you can come back to NYC," I said casually while we waited in line to place our orders. It sounded like a perfect plan - although life doesn't always happen exactly as we plan.

Photo by Simon Maage on Unsplash

I mean, how many things can happen when you move to another country? Perhaps a stranger would initiate a conversation in a bar that she entered without plans, feeling inspired after her first week in her new job and they would fall in love. They would get married and raise kids in Europe (or adopt a dog or a cat). I know I sound pathetic, but I can't help my Cancer soul, lol. But knowing my friend, I guess the possible scenario is that she would realize the world is too large to stay in the same place and she would explore life in other European countries, working as a digital nomad - and I could see her doing that AND adopting a dog to follow her along in her adventures. At some point, she would realize she was not missing NYC at all, and she would be glad about her decision and her move. Or she could also realize that new life was not for her, and she would be back to the Big Apple again. Or she could decide to move back to Brazil. Or selling crafts around Asia. The truth is that once she boarded the plane to her new home, anything could happen.

Before she moved, we would hang out a couple of times in New York, just until the farewell - a picnic, dinner, or happy hour at her favorite restaurant in the West Village. With other common friends, we would buy her a special gift, something to let her know how much we love her and something that could remind her of us. It could be a hat saying "New York or Nowhere," a keychain, or a candle, along with a beautiful card with handwritten notes. The event would be fun as always until we said goodbye, realizing it would be the last hug, the last goodbye as our little group because once she left, there would be no more hanging out in the middle of the week or going on adventures around the city. We would hug each other and cry while promising to keep in touch, to visit each other - "Let's do some European girl's trip together!", "Please don't disappear" "Let's keep in touch!".

She would arrive in her new city, and she would be so excited about sharing everything in our chat group with other friends - from her new apartment to her new favorite spot in town to the language barriers and, of course, the jokes about prices in Europe being so low compared to the Big Apple. "Girls, look how much I paid for this glass of wine, not missing the $15 ones in the city, lol". Meanwhile, even with over 8 million people living in New York, the city that never sleeps would be a little empty. With another friend, I would talk about her absence. Our happy hours and dinners would not be the same. Our little group would be disrupted - as it already had been before.

Of course, we would be in touch. But, one day, by snapping a pic of something funny I had seen on the streets of NYC, I wouldn't feel like messaging the group she's part of. I would message the other friends around. It would be almost automatic - since she's not around, there are some things that I wouldn't feel like sharing anymore, because it would make more sense to share with another friend or another group chat; not because I don't want to intentionally do so, but just because it happens naturally...? At the same time, as she makes new friends in her new town, she starts new group chats and shares things about her daily routine, the weather, the public transportation, and the things to do on the weekend.

Photo by Katarzyna Grabowska on Unsplash

Little by little, weeks would be turned into months and then into years. And the friendship would take either one or the other way. In one scenario, we would be in each other's lives - but the relationship would evolve to another level. Not deeper, not shallow, just different. We would fit into each other's lives, sharing updates through message chats - not daily, not weekly. Maybe monthly or every other week. We would meet once a year, and it would be incredible, hours and hours talking non-stop.

In another scenario, the connection would fade. Not on purpose. Not in a mean way. Not because we don't care about each other. But because life happens and it's hard to keep track of every single thing when you are an adult? Or am I just coming up with some excuses here?

Then, one day, she will disappoint you… she will be in the city, but you won't be able to hang out with her. She is too busy. It's so weird how people can be close, but so far. Or perhaps you will disappoint her by being mean and demanding too much from her. You will regret that, but you will never say anything about it.

But those are not the only possible outcomes. There's the possibility of no drama and no pain at all. Perhaps the gaps between your messages will just become longer and longer until the connection that once existed between you two fades. Suddenly, when you least expected, you learn she got a promotion. Oh, she is getting married! Wait, she adopted a pup; how cute! Then, she announces she is pregnant.

But you didn't learn that by a text or audio message that sounded more like a podcast. It was looking at your phone's screen - but no, it was not a Facetime call. It was because of a post on Instagram. Because what was once a strong connection is now just a beautiful memory from the past. And that's when it hits you. You ask yourself... when did it happen? Was that your fault? What should you have done differently?

You will think about that later. "Congrats!" - that's all you have time to type in the comment section, along with some cute emojis. You are late to meet your friends downtown. Later that night, when you take the subway back home, you feel grateful for your life and the friends you just hung out with, and you realize how much you love them and how life is good with them around. You promise to yourself that you will never change. You can't conceive the idea of not having these people in your life anymore - just as one day you thought about the friend whose post you had seen earlier.

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The day after I got that message from my friend, she wrote me another message. After giving some thought to it and analyzing the pros and cons, she realized she was not feeling ready for a big move on such short notice, so she decided to decline the offer.

And I could be back to pretend that things would never change again.

“People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime.”

This essay was inspired by true stories and by all the friends I've met over the years living abroad. And to all of them, thank you. I love you so much.